Church, Prayer, and Loneliness

09.29.12  Disclaimer:  I wrote this in November of last year. I have toyed off and on with the idea of publishing it. I did post it on one of the messageboards I frequent, and I was dismayed that it made a non-Christian feel even more disillusioned with the Christian faith. :( So why am I publishing this now? I'm not sure, I guess, except that I think transparency is a good quality for Christians to have. This topic (loneliness) can be a real struggle from time to time--at least for me. Maybe it's not for others. Maybe they always feel like they belong, but I don't.  I've added some additional thoughts at the end to the original post; these thoughts arose out of the thread discussion on the messageboard.


Where a people prays, there is the church, and where the church is, there is never loneliness! ~Dietrich Bonhoeffer

I read that quote the other night, and it's been rattling around in my brain ever since--to the point that I dreamt about it last night and it woke me up early this morning (no small feat, by the way). 

Why is the quote bothering me so much? It's because I'm not sure I think it's true, and that is a depressing thought.  So let me attempt to analyze this.

If the qualifying factor is prayer, then that may change my initial reaction to the quote, which was instant disbelief. I do think that when people are participating in prayer there is a unity and a communion that precludes loneliness for all of those genuinely engaged in that prayer time. And, personally, that authentic connection to others can sustain me through lonely times and keep me involved in a local church when I would otherwise feel little other reason to do so.

I mean, to be honest here, some of my loneliest moments happen at church and with my church family. (And I'm not just talking about my current church; I'm really talking about every church I've belonged to.) I'm also not just talking about those times when you get excluded from activities that others have been invited to. Or the really infuriating times when your children get excluded from activities. To give the benefit of the doubt, I try to assume that those exclusions were done thoughtlessly and not purposely. (Besides, maybe there were times that I unintentionally left people out of things.)  In any case, being left out can absolutely add to the sense of loneliness you may already feel from time to time in your congregation.

But I'm also talking about the general sense of isolation. Maybe you feel that everyone else in the church is on board with something--a particular worldview, a theological belief, or a political ideology--yet, you just don't agree with it. Perhaps you speak up, and perhaps you feel the backlash from that. (On the flip side, you may also get a few people who come to you quietly to say that they agree with you, but they just don't want to rock the boat.)

Maybe you see people who seem to have very close friendships, and that stings because you don't. (In my case, I chose that sting purposefully. A slight ache is infinitely better than a gaping wound caused by a broken or failed friendship. Five times in a row. It was more than enough.)

On a side note, perhaps it's a matter of God calling you to find your deepest friendship in Him, and that loneliness is intended to point you in His direction.  (I say "you," but I really mean "me." Well, I mean you, too, obviously.)

But back to Bonhoeffer's quote. "Where a people prays, there is the church..."  I think that part of the quote is true but not all-encompassing. Church also means the community of believers that you worship with and are connected with on a regular basis. It also means the larger community of believers around the globe.

So I reiterate: Genuine participation in prayer precludes loneliness. There is something about participation in prayer that does bind us together.  It does not, however, mean that loneliness cannot or will not happen within a church, mostly because of the larger definition of church.

I guess it's fitting that I'm grappling with this idea on All Saints' Day and on the eve of All Souls' Day. We shouldn't feel lonely, but we do. Or I do, at least, from time to time. We are surrounded by "so great a cloud of witnesses" (Hebrews 12:1) that we shouldn't feel alone.

And I suppose at the end of it the key is prayer. If I keep myself focused on God through prayer then maybe I won't be bothered by the times of loneliness and exclusion I experience in church. Also, as always, an attitude of gratitude is my safeguard from sliding into self-pity. I do have close friendships. I do have a wonderful family. We are healthy, we are safe, and we are extremely wealthy by the world's standards. I have every reason to be content.

Edited to add:



You really shouldn't judge the Church as a whole by me. For that matter, you shouldn't judge it as a whole by any one person. Since we are all human, with our quirks, sins, emotions, fears, and insecurities, we are a often a poor image of what the Church should be.

We actually do try to be good and kind. Anyone would be welcomed if he/she came to our church. People would find an overall warm, welcoming place with church members genuinely desiring for others to "fit in" where they feel comfortable and find peace, joy, God, etc.

But--and I may be wrong in this belief--I think everyone battles loneliness from time to time. And people really do "live lives of quiet desperation," to quote Thoreau. Finding out the source of that desperation and working to overcome it is part of life.  However, we all have an innate loneliness that will never be fully filled till heaven. Sometimes we get glimpses of it, as [an online friend and wise sage] said, through community or relationships. I think that's why we long for true community; it's why we're social beings, even the most introverted of us.

And church does form a community. In fact, it really forms a family, and, like any family, there are issues.  But there are also innumerable blessings.